I wish this were my last post,
I wish this is goodbye.
If only my hand would stop shaking.
In the end it falls again,
I’m too busy to die.
I need to cut so bad. I want to go back to the mental hospital. I need a break from everything. I need to smoke something that can let me leave reality. I need to escape.
How I am right now...
My Mind: You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak. You're weak.
Me: I know...
One more fucking love song and I’ll be sick.
There’s nothing worse than trying to forget your first love. They built up all of your bridges. They opened your young eyes to all of the world’s wonders. They were the ones to keep us up all night talking about nonsense and just laughing and being silly together. To suddenly have all that ripped away from you is like having a limb cut from your body. You feel empty and alone, along with worthless and unlovable. The one person you felt safe with doesn’t even want to be seen with you, let alone talk to you. You are so repulsive to them that you begin to question your whole relationship and whether or not it was real. You think to yourself of all the things you did wrong and how you could of changed this or that and maybe, just maybe things would be different. Then you find out that they have moved on and forgotten you completely. What are you to think then? All your worst fears have been confirmed, you are worthless and not worth loving by anyone. You will never stack up to the expectations and there is no use in trying anymore. And when someone else comes along again and again you push them away because you know that you’ll never be good enough so why bother? Why bother putting in any effort in something that will eventually end in you getting your heart broken? It is better to just stay in bed and hide away from the world because that way you will always be safe and protected. Then who wants to live like that? I know I don’t. I want to forget everything. I want to erase every trace of her from my memory. I want to build a time machine and go back to the day I met her and do something different. However, this is the real world and we can’t forget the past no matter how much we want to. So for now I walk the thin line between reality and psychosis. Most days I wish that I was gone. I crave to be soo far gone that it will all be over. I surprise myself for not turning to drugs to dull my pain. Maybe I should? If I stopped caring about my well being then maybe I’ll stop loving such a cold hearted bitch who never cared in the first place? I believe that to be the sickest part of this whole ordeal, that even though she could care less if I took a pistol to my head, I still love her and still wish every second that she was still in my life. Then again if happy ever after did exist…we wouldnt be here, would we?
